Sigh... my daughter came home last night...
I cannot put into words the joy I felt when that child put her arms around my neck, and said the words, "Momma, I missed you."
She has been staying at my Dad's this summer... With his work schedule, and her school schedule they just never seem to have the meshing of schedules, so they have enjoyed school being out.
Goodness... I have missed my kid.
I think she has grown 4 inches taller, her hair seems longer, she is tanner from all the time she has spent playing in the pool...
Goodness... I have missed my kid.
She came home with braces, so I am learning all about what she can and cannot eat. (I am one of those people that never had to have braces, never had a cavity... yeah I am one of "those"... lol) She is so mature sounding as she explains, "Momma, Doritos are bad for my teeth, and I really should cut back on my sugar intake."
Goodness... I have missed my kid.
This growing up thing is going too fast...I look at my child who is 12 today and I know that tomorrow she will be 20 and in college and I feel like I need to find the remote and take it off fast forward.
I want a pause button
Goodness... I have missed my kid.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Friday, July 11, 2008
NDVH
You know… its funny sometimes how conversations we have with people stem memories that we have buried deep inside…
Terri and I went to lunch today and we got on the topic of my first husband. I really don’t talk about him too terribly much other than my occasional references of him as “Donor” (I think I had worked with Terri for 2 years before she realized that wasn’t his real name… lol)
Anyways, that was probably one of the most horrifying relationships I have ever had and is probably why I don’t think on it very often…
Let’s see… the time line…
October 94 – Started dating
December 94 – Moved in together
February 95 – Pregnant
June 95- Married
July 95 – Hit me for the first time
November 95 – Had the baby
September 96 – Hit me for the second time, I got out.
When I say hit me… that I think under-exaggerate the situation… he beat me to the point where I could only see out of one eye, had cuts and abrasions completely encircling my eyes, smashed lip (inside and out), teeth were bleeding, nose was cracked, left cheek bone was cracked, was bruised on about 70% of my face and neck.
Of course it might not have been quite as bad had I not been a wee bit pissed… I think he might not have been provoked to the point that he was, had I not been picking myself up, getting back up in his face, and accusing him of hitting me like a girl… in fact I think my exact words were something along the lines of, “You fucking pussy, if you’re gonna hit me, hit me like a man you son of a bitch. You hit like a girl you fucking pussy” probably not one of my smarter moves. And I think I officially came to that conclusion when he had me on my back, on the bed, him on top of me, with his hands around my throat screaming, “Die you bitch, die”. If I could have spoken at that point I think I would have said, “Ya know, I think this relationship is not going to work. Maybe we should see other people.”
And all this started because I asked him to take his muddy shoes off before he walked across my freshly bleached floors.
I can laugh about it now, it has been 12 years, and time does heal wounds. My face took about a month and a half to heal. The fear took longer to recover from. About the time that I could cover the bruises with make up, I got mad. I was mad at myself for letting him win with this fear that seemed to control me. Why should I let a wife beating, abusive person control my life? Why should I let fear control me to the point where I socially, and emotionally, withdrew myself from the life I have been given. Life was meant to be lived. It is meant to be a gift. Hiding in a house is not going to prevent someone from trying to take my life. If it is my time to go, it is my time to go. Why should I miss out, waiting for something that may or may not happen? So, I put my foot down. I refused to let anyone have so much control over me. I refused to waste the energy in being scared, when I could use that energy to live my life, to provide a home for my child and raise that beautiful baby. It took time for me to get my feet back under me, but I had a child to care for, and I had the love of my wonderful family to support me.
I think I find comfort in the fact that while it did lay me low for a bit, it made me into a strong woman. A strong woman, who is not afraid to pick up a baseball bat, to even the odds, with a wife beating psychopath. I hope that my daughter will never have to experience what I went thru. I pray that I have instilled the values in her, that she can pick herself up, dust herself off, and live as the strong woman I have tried to raise her to be.
The first time he hit me... He swore he would never do it again... the second time he hit me, he swore the same thing. He was right that time. He never did hit me again, because I got out.
If you are reading this, and you are in an abusive relationship, know that you can get out. Love does not include fists. No one deserves to be struck in anger. If you think that you are not strong enough to leave, know this… The hardest part is opening the door, and taking the first step. We open doors every day. Let the door you open, be the one to your safety, your child’s safety, and the beginning of a life free from abuse. There are so many women’s shelters (and men's) out there to help you. They will help to get you, and your children, out of the situation you are in… Use them. They are there to help you. And if you think no one understands, your wrong, unfortunately too many of us do understand.
Get Help, and Get Out.
Don't become a statistic.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Break the Silence, Make the Call
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org/educate/abuse_in_america.html
Abuse In America
Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence 2004
* 3 out of 4 (74%) respondents personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.
* 83% percent of respondents strongly agreed that domestic violence affects people in all racial, ethnic, religious, educational, social and economic backgrounds.
* 2 out of 3 (66%) strongly agreed that domestic violence is a serious, widespread social problem in America .
* While 4 out of 10 (43%) ranked fear that the abuser will find the victim as the number one reason a victim would not leave his/her abuser, over a quarter (28%) thought that finding access to money/income to support the victim and/or children was the most important problem.
The Harris Poll 2006
* Approximately 8 in 10 (79%) respondents recall “seeing or hearing something” about domestic violence in the past year. Furthermore, 53 percent say that they have heard of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This percentage increases substantially among those people who admit that they have been victims of domestic violence (71%).
* A large majority (85%) agrees that “when a person forces his/her partner to have sex, it is an act of domestic violence.”
* An 85% majority also agrees that “a man or woman who abuses his/her partner is more likely to also abuse children.”
* Approximately 33 million1 or 15% of all U.S. adults, admit that they were a victim of domestic violence. Furthermore, 6 in 10 adults claim that they know someone personally who has experienced domestic violence.
* Among all adults, 39% say that they have experienced at least one of the following, with 54% saying that they haven’t experienced any:
Called bad names (31%)
Pushing, slapping, choking or hitting (21%)
Public humiliation (19%)
Keeping away from friends or family (13%)
Threatening your family (10%)
Forcing you to have sexual intercourse without consent (9%)
1. Based on July 2005 U.S. Census estimate released January 2006 (223,000,000 total U.S. adults aged 18 or over).
Liz Claiborne Inc. Teen Relationship Abuse Survey 2006
* 1 in 4 teens (24%) reported feeling pressure to date; 14% said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
* Fully one-third of 16-18s (33%)—and 31% of teens who have been in a serious relationship—reported that sex is expected.
* Almost half of teens who have been in a relationship (47%)—and 55% of those who describe theirs as serious—have done something that compromised their own values in order to please their partner.
* 3 out of 5 (61%) said that they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.
* 30% reported worrying about their personal physical safety in a relationship.
* 20% of those who have been in a serious relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The Office on Violence Against Women poll and focus groups 2006
* Nearly 3 out of 4 of the women surveyed said that name calling or put-downs on a regular basis constituted domestic violence and 44% suggested that even occasional harsh words counted as domestic violence.
* 1 in 3 insisted on something akin to a strict liability standard for the perpetrator, saying that put-downs and criticisms that did not hurt the other person’s feelings nonetheless should be considered domestic violence, a sentiment echoed by many women in the focus groups. To these women, verbal battery is a gateway to physical harm and should not be dismissed.
* 3 out of 4 women surveyed agreed that repeated threats to bring harm fit the definition of domestic violence.
CDC Behavioral Risk Factor Surveilance System Survey 2005
* 1 IN 4 WOMEN, 1 IN 9 MEN IN UNITED STATES ARE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES
* In households with incomes under $15,000 per year, 35.5% of women and 20.7% of men suffered violence from an intimate partner.
* 43% of women and 26% of men in multiracial non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
* 39% of women and 18.6% of men in American Indian/Alaska Native households suffered partner violence.
* 26.8% of women and 15.5% of men in white non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
* 29.2% of women and 23.3% of men in black non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
* 20.5% of women and 15.5% of men in Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
CDC Adverse Health Conditions and Health Risk Behaviors Associated with Intimate Partner Violence - United States 2005
* Each year, IPV results in an estimated 1,200 deaths and 2 million injuries among women and nearly 600,000 injuries among men.
* 23.6% of women and 11.5% of men aged 18 years or more have a lifetime history of intimate partner violence victimization.
* Highest percentage for women is adults aged 45-54 (31.2%)
* Highest percentage for men is adults aged 25-34 (21.4%)
General Statistics
* On the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day.1
* 92% of women say that reducing domestic violence and sexual assault should be at the top of any formal efforts taken on behalf of women today.2
* 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.3
* 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.3
* 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.4
* As many as 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy. 5
* Violence against women costs companies $72.8 million annually due to lost productivity.6
* Ninety-four percent of the offenders in murder-suicides were male.7
* Seventy-four percent of all murder-suicides involved an intimate partner(spouse, common-law spouse, ex-spouse, or boyfriend/girlfriend). Of these, 96 percent were females killed by their intimate partners.7
* Most murder-suicides with three or more victims involved a "family annihilator" -- a subcategory of intimate partner murder-suicide.Family annihilators are murderers who kill not only their wives/girlfriends and children, but often other family members as well,before killing themselves.7
* Seventy-five percent of murder-suicides occurred in the home.7
1. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003.
2. Progress & Perils: New Agenda for Women, Center for the Advancement of Women. June 2003.
3. Silverman, Jay G., Raj, Anita, and Clements, Karen. “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality.” Pediatrics, August 2004.
4. Teenage Research Unlimited. Findings from study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. to investigate the level of and attitudes towards dating abuse among American teenagers aged 13 to 18 [online] 2005 Feb [cited 2006 Mar 20]. Available from: URL: www.loveisnotabuse.com/statistics_abuseandteens.htm
5. Gazmararian JA, Petersen R, Spitz AM, Goodwin MM, Saltzman LE, Marks JS. “Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 2000; 4(2):79-84.
6. Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States . 2003. Center for disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA/
7. Violence Policy Center (VPC), American Roulette: Murder-Suicide in the United States , April 2006.
Terri and I went to lunch today and we got on the topic of my first husband. I really don’t talk about him too terribly much other than my occasional references of him as “Donor” (I think I had worked with Terri for 2 years before she realized that wasn’t his real name… lol)
Anyways, that was probably one of the most horrifying relationships I have ever had and is probably why I don’t think on it very often…
Let’s see… the time line…
October 94 – Started dating
December 94 – Moved in together
February 95 – Pregnant
June 95- Married
July 95 – Hit me for the first time
November 95 – Had the baby
September 96 – Hit me for the second time, I got out.
When I say hit me… that I think under-exaggerate the situation… he beat me to the point where I could only see out of one eye, had cuts and abrasions completely encircling my eyes, smashed lip (inside and out), teeth were bleeding, nose was cracked, left cheek bone was cracked, was bruised on about 70% of my face and neck.
Of course it might not have been quite as bad had I not been a wee bit pissed… I think he might not have been provoked to the point that he was, had I not been picking myself up, getting back up in his face, and accusing him of hitting me like a girl… in fact I think my exact words were something along the lines of, “You fucking pussy, if you’re gonna hit me, hit me like a man you son of a bitch. You hit like a girl you fucking pussy” probably not one of my smarter moves. And I think I officially came to that conclusion when he had me on my back, on the bed, him on top of me, with his hands around my throat screaming, “Die you bitch, die”. If I could have spoken at that point I think I would have said, “Ya know, I think this relationship is not going to work. Maybe we should see other people.”
And all this started because I asked him to take his muddy shoes off before he walked across my freshly bleached floors.
I can laugh about it now, it has been 12 years, and time does heal wounds. My face took about a month and a half to heal. The fear took longer to recover from. About the time that I could cover the bruises with make up, I got mad. I was mad at myself for letting him win with this fear that seemed to control me. Why should I let a wife beating, abusive person control my life? Why should I let fear control me to the point where I socially, and emotionally, withdrew myself from the life I have been given. Life was meant to be lived. It is meant to be a gift. Hiding in a house is not going to prevent someone from trying to take my life. If it is my time to go, it is my time to go. Why should I miss out, waiting for something that may or may not happen? So, I put my foot down. I refused to let anyone have so much control over me. I refused to waste the energy in being scared, when I could use that energy to live my life, to provide a home for my child and raise that beautiful baby. It took time for me to get my feet back under me, but I had a child to care for, and I had the love of my wonderful family to support me.
I think I find comfort in the fact that while it did lay me low for a bit, it made me into a strong woman. A strong woman, who is not afraid to pick up a baseball bat, to even the odds, with a wife beating psychopath. I hope that my daughter will never have to experience what I went thru. I pray that I have instilled the values in her, that she can pick herself up, dust herself off, and live as the strong woman I have tried to raise her to be.
The first time he hit me... He swore he would never do it again... the second time he hit me, he swore the same thing. He was right that time. He never did hit me again, because I got out.
If you are reading this, and you are in an abusive relationship, know that you can get out. Love does not include fists. No one deserves to be struck in anger. If you think that you are not strong enough to leave, know this… The hardest part is opening the door, and taking the first step. We open doors every day. Let the door you open, be the one to your safety, your child’s safety, and the beginning of a life free from abuse. There are so many women’s shelters (and men's) out there to help you. They will help to get you, and your children, out of the situation you are in… Use them. They are there to help you. And if you think no one understands, your wrong, unfortunately too many of us do understand.
Get Help, and Get Out.
Don't become a statistic.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Break the Silence, Make the Call
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
http://www.ndvh.org/educate/abuse_in_america.html
Abuse In America
Allstate Foundation National Poll on Domestic Violence 2004
* 3 out of 4 (74%) respondents personally know someone who is or has been a victim of domestic violence.
* 83% percent of respondents strongly agreed that domestic violence affects people in all racial, ethnic, religious, educational, social and economic backgrounds.
* 2 out of 3 (66%) strongly agreed that domestic violence is a serious, widespread social problem in America .
* While 4 out of 10 (43%) ranked fear that the abuser will find the victim as the number one reason a victim would not leave his/her abuser, over a quarter (28%) thought that finding access to money/income to support the victim and/or children was the most important problem.
The Harris Poll 2006
* Approximately 8 in 10 (79%) respondents recall “seeing or hearing something” about domestic violence in the past year. Furthermore, 53 percent say that they have heard of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This percentage increases substantially among those people who admit that they have been victims of domestic violence (71%).
* A large majority (85%) agrees that “when a person forces his/her partner to have sex, it is an act of domestic violence.”
* An 85% majority also agrees that “a man or woman who abuses his/her partner is more likely to also abuse children.”
* Approximately 33 million1 or 15% of all U.S. adults, admit that they were a victim of domestic violence. Furthermore, 6 in 10 adults claim that they know someone personally who has experienced domestic violence.
* Among all adults, 39% say that they have experienced at least one of the following, with 54% saying that they haven’t experienced any:
Called bad names (31%)
Pushing, slapping, choking or hitting (21%)
Public humiliation (19%)
Keeping away from friends or family (13%)
Threatening your family (10%)
Forcing you to have sexual intercourse without consent (9%)
1. Based on July 2005 U.S. Census estimate released January 2006 (223,000,000 total U.S. adults aged 18 or over).
Liz Claiborne Inc. Teen Relationship Abuse Survey 2006
* 1 in 4 teens (24%) reported feeling pressure to date; 14% said they would do almost anything to keep a boyfriend or girlfriend.
* Fully one-third of 16-18s (33%)—and 31% of teens who have been in a serious relationship—reported that sex is expected.
* Almost half of teens who have been in a relationship (47%)—and 55% of those who describe theirs as serious—have done something that compromised their own values in order to please their partner.
* 3 out of 5 (61%) said that they’ve had a boyfriend or girlfriend who made them feel bad or embarrassed about themselves.
* 30% reported worrying about their personal physical safety in a relationship.
* 20% of those who have been in a serious relationship have been hit, slapped, or pushed by a boyfriend or girlfriend.
The Office on Violence Against Women poll and focus groups 2006
* Nearly 3 out of 4 of the women surveyed said that name calling or put-downs on a regular basis constituted domestic violence and 44% suggested that even occasional harsh words counted as domestic violence.
* 1 in 3 insisted on something akin to a strict liability standard for the perpetrator, saying that put-downs and criticisms that did not hurt the other person’s feelings nonetheless should be considered domestic violence, a sentiment echoed by many women in the focus groups. To these women, verbal battery is a gateway to physical harm and should not be dismissed.
* 3 out of 4 women surveyed agreed that repeated threats to bring harm fit the definition of domestic violence.
CDC Behavioral Risk Factor Surveilance System Survey 2005
* 1 IN 4 WOMEN, 1 IN 9 MEN IN UNITED STATES ARE VICTIMS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AT SOME POINT IN THEIR LIVES
* In households with incomes under $15,000 per year, 35.5% of women and 20.7% of men suffered violence from an intimate partner.
* 43% of women and 26% of men in multiracial non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
* 39% of women and 18.6% of men in American Indian/Alaska Native households suffered partner violence.
* 26.8% of women and 15.5% of men in white non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
* 29.2% of women and 23.3% of men in black non-Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
* 20.5% of women and 15.5% of men in Hispanic households suffered partner violence.
CDC Adverse Health Conditions and Health Risk Behaviors Associated with Intimate Partner Violence - United States 2005
* Each year, IPV results in an estimated 1,200 deaths and 2 million injuries among women and nearly 600,000 injuries among men.
* 23.6% of women and 11.5% of men aged 18 years or more have a lifetime history of intimate partner violence victimization.
* Highest percentage for women is adults aged 45-54 (31.2%)
* Highest percentage for men is adults aged 25-34 (21.4%)
General Statistics
* On the average, more than three women are murdered by their husbands or boyfriends every day.1
* 92% of women say that reducing domestic violence and sexual assault should be at the top of any formal efforts taken on behalf of women today.2
* 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime.3
* 1 in 5 female high school students reports being physically and/or sexually abused by a dating partner. Abused girls are significantly more likely to get involved in other risky behaviors. They are 4 to 6 times more likely to get pregnant and 8 to 9 times more likely to have tried to commit suicide.3
* 1 in 3 teens report knowing a friend or peer who has been hit, punched, slapped, choked or physically hurt by his/her partner.4
* As many as 324,000 women each year experience intimate partner violence during their pregnancy. 5
* Violence against women costs companies $72.8 million annually due to lost productivity.6
* Ninety-four percent of the offenders in murder-suicides were male.7
* Seventy-four percent of all murder-suicides involved an intimate partner(spouse, common-law spouse, ex-spouse, or boyfriend/girlfriend). Of these, 96 percent were females killed by their intimate partners.7
* Most murder-suicides with three or more victims involved a "family annihilator" -- a subcategory of intimate partner murder-suicide.Family annihilators are murderers who kill not only their wives/girlfriends and children, but often other family members as well,before killing themselves.7
* Seventy-five percent of murder-suicides occurred in the home.7
1. Bureau of Justice Statistics Crime Data Brief, Intimate Partner Violence, 1993-2001, February 2003.
2. Progress & Perils: New Agenda for Women, Center for the Advancement of Women. June 2003.
3. Silverman, Jay G., Raj, Anita, and Clements, Karen. “Dating Violence Against Adolescent Girls and Associated Substance Use, Unhealthy Weight Control, Sexual Risk Behavior, Pregnancy, and Suicidality.” Pediatrics, August 2004.
4. Teenage Research Unlimited. Findings from study commissioned by Liz Claiborne Inc. to investigate the level of and attitudes towards dating abuse among American teenagers aged 13 to 18 [online] 2005 Feb [cited 2006 Mar 20]. Available from: URL: www.loveisnotabuse.com/statistics_abuseandteens.htm
5. Gazmararian JA, Petersen R, Spitz AM, Goodwin MM, Saltzman LE, Marks JS. “Violence and reproductive health; current knowledge and future research directions.” Maternal and Child Health Journal 2000; 4(2):79-84.
6. Costs of Intimate Partner Violence Against Women in the United States . 2003. Center for disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Injury Prevention and Control. Atlanta, GA/
7. Violence Policy Center (VPC), American Roulette: Murder-Suicide in the United States , April 2006.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Lake Bound Bubu
Ever wonder why I love the lake so much?
I wake up in the morning and this is the view I am blessed with
Here are my two nieces... Peyton and Katey... and the cutie doggie is Phoebe..
These pics are from yesterday before the fireworks... Kiddos took over the pool...
Dillan
Peyton
Katey
I wake up in the morning and this is the view I am blessed with
Here are my two nieces... Peyton and Katey... and the cutie doggie is Phoebe..
These pics are from yesterday before the fireworks... Kiddos took over the pool...
Dillan
Peyton
Katey
Saturday, July 5, 2008
4th of July on the 5th
Or how I spent my Saturday night!
The kids went swimming.... and the grown-ups, blew some stuffs up... weee
Featured here we have Tye, Daniel (Medan), and Kyle... no fear of Da Fire...
Kids, please don't try this at home...
The kids went swimming.... and the grown-ups, blew some stuffs up... weee
Featured here we have Tye, Daniel (Medan), and Kyle... no fear of Da Fire...
Kids, please don't try this at home...
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